Music and Change

Posted in Music by Sandra on April 28, 2009

You see, the thing about music is simply the fact that it changes as you grow. New insights, new meanings that emerge with more experience in life, and of course new tastes.

Take today for example: System of a Down.

I remember the first song I heard from them was Lonely Day and it was fantastic. Then Emmanuel tossed me a second song which totally turned me off that band. Till this day (well, a few hours ago anyway) I thought that they weren’t quite as good as I thought… until The Murloc clued me in. He played some tracks for me and I was pretty stunned. So I’d just spent about half an hour searching for That Song which turned me off SOAD and guess what?

I couldn’t find it.

When I was in my secondary school years, I mostly listened to Japanese pop. Dare I say that I even despised English? I had English pegged as the inflexible, unfeeling language. Kind of ironic considering that my command of the English language is heaps better than my mother tongue and my dialect. Ouch. But now when I look at my brother (who blasts Japanese pop/anime music) I can only think about how… well, childish, it seems. After all, it’s not like you understand it, do you, in the little intricate ways that the native speakers of Japanese do?

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Dear Murloc: 1

Posted in Letters by Sandra on September 30, 2008

Hello love,

Yesterday you updated me on your hour-long call to the Australian Embassy, when I got back from a long day out. One of the things you mentioned was how I would have to be with you for 3 years so that my PR application would be successful. Was a bit flat, and just said that we’d take things as they come. You agreed, but said that you’d like me to know anyway. Just in case.

How would it be like to live with (and off you, I’m ashamed to say)? I fear that you’re taming me far too easily; shouldn’t I put up a fair fight before I let you have your prize? I’ve heard that female adults withhold the primal pleasures of sex in exchange for gifts they want… maybe I should start learning how to do that.

(Of course, we both know that it’d just be a miserable failure at best.)

Sleep has been slow to come these few nights, and of this day I have exactly 14 days to go before I board that flight (Singapore -> Perth for 3 hours -> Melbourne, 11 hour flight /qq). I’m excited and afraid. It’s a whole new world out there, and I wouldn’t even be able to work legally till February 2009. I think that, beyond all other matters, bother me — I am forced to be dependent on you for the smallest things during these months. It’s not that I don’t trust you to take care of me; I suppose it’s a safety net, being able to work and earn my own money. It’s not a need (not now at least) but a want.

I guess mum has succeeded in drilling the phrase “Don’t rely on men” into me quite well.

My mother says that in my going there, I lose everything (ie, university education), and you gain someone to cook and clean for you, and a free fuck to boot. Of course, what she thinks isn’t congruous with what I think…

My dear, is love and desire reason enough for you to bear the burden of taking care of me for months? I don’t know why I’m questioning and doubting; the date’s been set, I’ve been withdrawn from uni, I’ve given 80% of my library to the national library, and we’ve both decided that this is what we do.

Jitters I suppose. It’s what one feels on the cusp of something life-changing, quite literally in this case.

My thoughts are unravelling fast. All I’m waiting is for 10am to strike, so I can take the pill.

… I’m sleepy again :(



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Posted in Thoughts by Sandra on August 31, 2008

Something is bothering me.

I haven’t yet decided if it’s because I’m actually trying to study from Day 1.5 of the semester, or because of the potential route my life would take. I’m immensely excited by the prospect of the latter, but the Small Voice In My Head reminds me of all the obstacles I have lying ahead of me.

It’s an intense struggle, day to day. I’ve even stopped raiding voluntarily so as to sleep earlier, and have time for studying. The most important call in this process will be on Tuesday or Wednesday this coming week, and I’m worried that the answer may be in the negative, hence destroying whatever we’ve planned.

The past week has been the longest yet, and the week before all too quickly spent. Talking on Skype isn’t enough now, I miss the non-vocal interaction between us. And there’s still 3 months+ to go, even if the process goes through well.

I read somewhere that when you desire something so strongly that you live for it, the universe conspires to help you in your quest for that something. (Oh, it’s actually “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”, quoted from Paulo Coelho.) It gives me hope that I’m not alone in this struggle of my own, because this is greater than me alone. It’s about changing oneself entirely, about going against the perceived norm, about refusing the opinions of others to guide one’s life.

I know, that was a lot of dribble.

And I’ve found something else that bothers me. It bothers me that I am unable to articulate myself about the things I feel most strongly about. It bothers me that my apparent “solution” to this is to simply leave where I am, physically. It implies that I’m blaming someone else for my inarticulateness (which I am), and that I am weak for wanting to break out of this by leaving this household.

I wrote to an adult in the household I live in for “advice”. What he mentioned was that I essentially have 2 choices to take. (A) To stay where I am and fight the mental struggle and, (B) To change the “battleground”, so as to speak. (B) requires a thought out “game plan”. (A) is tougher in the long run.

I took days to think about this. Yet the prospect of taking (A) pains me, literally. I don’t want to stay where I am. I don’t want to wait another year to change my life, hopefully for the better. I don’t want to subject myself to more influence from the people around me because as far as I can see, I’ve largely been molded to what they expect of me, instead of what I want for myself.

He also raised the issue that I’m “too young and inexperienced”. Which leads me to think that there’s a definite age at which people really do grow up and start to sprout “adult” thoughts and choose “adult” choices. Then again, I thought I was old enough at 12, but now when I look back I shake my head at what I was.

I desire a new life. It’s so close, I can feel its breath on my skin. On the other side he waits for me, eager to take care of me and help me grow. And I want to be by his side so badly that each day seems as long as a year. Of course, months later I may grumble at having to see his face everyday, but for now I’ll savour the “honeymoon” sensations.

I think it’s clear to myself, and anyone else who reads, that my choice has already been made…

Now what is left, is The Call, which could make or break the plans…

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