Dear Murloc: 1

Posted in Letters by Sandra on September 30, 2008

Hello love,

Yesterday you updated me on your hour-long call to the Australian Embassy, when I got back from a long day out. One of the things you mentioned was how I would have to be with you for 3 years so that my PR application would be successful. Was a bit flat, and just said that we’d take things as they come. You agreed, but said that you’d like me to know anyway. Just in case.

How would it be like to live with (and off you, I’m ashamed to say)? I fear that you’re taming me far too easily; shouldn’t I put up a fair fight before I let you have your prize? I’ve heard that female adults withhold the primal pleasures of sex in exchange for gifts they want… maybe I should start learning how to do that.

(Of course, we both know that it’d just be a miserable failure at best.)

Sleep has been slow to come these few nights, and of this day I have exactly 14 days to go before I board that flight (Singapore -> Perth for 3 hours -> Melbourne, 11 hour flight /qq). I’m excited and afraid. It’s a whole new world out there, and I wouldn’t even be able to work legally till February 2009. I think that, beyond all other matters, bother me — I am forced to be dependent on you for the smallest things during these months. It’s not that I don’t trust you to take care of me; I suppose it’s a safety net, being able to work and earn my own money. It’s not a need (not now at least) but a want.

I guess mum has succeeded in drilling the phrase “Don’t rely on men” into me quite well.

My mother says that in my going there, I lose everything (ie, university education), and you gain someone to cook and clean for you, and a free fuck to boot. Of course, what she thinks isn’t congruous with what I think…

My dear, is love and desire reason enough for you to bear the burden of taking care of me for months? I don’t know why I’m questioning and doubting; the date’s been set, I’ve been withdrawn from uni, I’ve given 80% of my library to the national library, and we’ve both decided that this is what we do.

Jitters I suppose. It’s what one feels on the cusp of something life-changing, quite literally in this case.

My thoughts are unravelling fast. All I’m waiting is for 10am to strike, so I can take the pill.

… I’m sleepy again :(



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Going Out

Posted in Quick by Sandra on September 28, 2008

People enjoy asking me why I’m not out of the house. Well, just 2 actually — a good friend, and a barely-acquaintance sort of person.

What’s up with this “Why’re you staying at home” thing? At first I was amused, then my amusement gave way to barely concealed annoyance. It’s something like asking you why you exist in the first place don’t you think? Obviously I’m staying home because there’s nothing to do outside.

I don’t go out much. It saves me money.

But I think I shall have to make an exception for the next two weeks, much to the disappointment of my 2 “Why-art-thou-home” relations.

I’ve arranged to meet two friends – “Sotong” and Aloysius. Will need to arrange a meeting with another friend, too, to return his book. I’ll probably want to go down to Marine Parade in the 2nd week. And of course, since some of the exhibits at the Singapore Biennale 2008 is outdoors (and hence free!) I should really get out there and take pictures. Maybe I could get SY to go with me :> Introduce her to lomography that way. (I’m giving her the Vivitar UWS I’d originally intended to give Emmanuel…)

What else to do outdoors? Oh yes – to eat. I’ve a craving for hotpots and nasi lemak… Any recommendations my silent audience?

Troubled Wannabe Musician

Posted in Music by Sandra on September 27, 2008

Today, after having listened to Oceanlab’s Miracle (Above and Beyond Mix), The Murloc asked me if I thought I could write music like that. Writing melodies, harmonics, chords. The title of this post is extremely misleading.

I know I can’t, so I told him so. I may have been a little pianist once (Grade 2), I may have been a saxophonist once (2 years, in high school), I may have aspired to play the violin gracefully… but I’ve always been a performer in that sense, not the composer. We play works of others, and we hardly attempt to write our own.

Oh, I’ve tried before, a few times. I’m ashamed to admit so.

It usually starts at the piano, after I’ve sat and played a few familiar pieces, memorized by now because they’re all I’ve ever learned for piano properly. Then it demands to be let out, so I totter about on the ivory keys, trying to keep sour notes away. But my execution has never been elegant, more akin to the noises a child might make by randomly hitting the keys.

So I stop, frustrated, will the music to die away, shut the piano lid, and go off to do something else. Like reading. That’s something easy to feel accomplished in. A few minutes, a few pages; an hour, perhaps a chapter or two.

It’s never so clear cut with music.

Perhaps I want too much to be good at something musically, like an ideal girl. Maybe I’m forcing myself to be someone I’m not with regards to musicality. I never excelled at my instruments, only averaged. And I move too fast – I touch everything but I never remember the details.

I’m so ashamed of my utter failure in musical areas… I’d give everything I could to start over at a symphonic band, whether as a saxophonist in any tier, or a percussionist. I regret that I’ve let my complacency limit myself when I could have done better. I regret that I’ve let lesser matters trouble my playing. I regret that I tried too hard to be better without understanding the basics, and now it’s too late.

As an aside… when I handed in my resignation from the school band to the band teacher (to whom I’ve been unfairly mean, even then), I wept as if I’d lost a part of me. And I know it even now- when I wrap a hand around the train’s standing poles and start to unconsciously position on digits in the appropriate fingerings to the song I’m listening to. It’s a part of my being that I can never gain back, but I suppose I should be grateful for the 2 years that I’ve gotten with the saxophone, with its cracked leather neck-strap, the smooth curves, the uncomfortable piece of metal that juts out for one’s thumb, and the cold comfort of the instrument…

When The Murloc spoke to me of writing music I felt crushed. I couldn’t write music. I couldn’t even play music more. I couldn’t help him except to listen. I’m not comfortable with this area that I’ve failed in because I’ve tried too hard hoping that others will see that I’m “good” at it (of course, miserably failing because I didn’t grip the basics well enough)… I don’t think I ever will.

I’m beginning to suspect that my failures in music will be much harder to confess to than even my troubles with my family. Hm.

I miss my saxophone. I wonder who is using it now, since it is school property. I miss the aroma of the grease. I miss the taste of a new reed on my tongue. (I miss blasting her too – it was a good way to vent strong emotions, since “blasting” is supposed to make for a better air passage customized for you alone.)

I’m bringing my violin with me when I leave for Australia, but who knows how long it’d be before I touch it again?

Going Away

Posted in Words by Sandra on September 21, 2008

I am going away with him to an unknown country where I shall have no past and no name, and where I shall be born again with a new face and an untried heart.

– Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

Things have come to a head… and it’s all or nothing…

Will blog more about it when things have stabilized.

Friends for Entertainment

Posted in Conversations by Sandra on September 14, 2008

The night before Lab #2 Assignment for Contemporary Nutrition (NTR 109) was due.

This particular assignment required us to play for an entire day’s worth of meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) from products at 3 different places – a health food store, vending machines and a convenience store.

Aurorine: i don’t feel like doing nutri.
Aurorine: sigh

Sandra: did you even look at it?
Sandra: the pits
Sandra: vending machine where?!

Aurorine: what vending machine where?
Aurorine: yeah i did.. sigh
Aurorine: i don’t feel like doing

Sandra: eh lemme see ._.
Sandra: i need vending machine

Aurorine: what vending machine?

Sandra: ….
Sandra: NTR right?

Aurorine: oh.
Aurorine: i keep thinking of blazestorm (*PMAC member, see link)
Aurorine: blazestorm
Aurorine: -_-

Sandra: LOL
Sandra: SO EVIL

Aurorine: … =(
Aurorine: but its really the first thing that pops to mind

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