Bothered

Posted in Thoughts by Sandra on August 31, 2008

Something is bothering me.

I haven’t yet decided if it’s because I’m actually trying to study from Day 1.5 of the semester, or because of the potential route my life would take. I’m immensely excited by the prospect of the latter, but the Small Voice In My Head reminds me of all the obstacles I have lying ahead of me.

It’s an intense struggle, day to day. I’ve even stopped raiding voluntarily so as to sleep earlier, and have time for studying. The most important call in this process will be on Tuesday or Wednesday this coming week, and I’m worried that the answer may be in the negative, hence destroying whatever we’ve planned.

The past week has been the longest yet, and the week before all too quickly spent. Talking on Skype isn’t enough now, I miss the non-vocal interaction between us. And there’s still 3 months+ to go, even if the process goes through well.

I read somewhere that when you desire something so strongly that you live for it, the universe conspires to help you in your quest for that something. (Oh, it’s actually “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”, quoted from Paulo Coelho.) It gives me hope that I’m not alone in this struggle of my own, because this is greater than me alone. It’s about changing oneself entirely, about going against the perceived norm, about refusing the opinions of others to guide one’s life.

I know, that was a lot of dribble.

And I’ve found something else that bothers me. It bothers me that I am unable to articulate myself about the things I feel most strongly about. It bothers me that my apparent “solution” to this is to simply leave where I am, physically. It implies that I’m blaming someone else for my inarticulateness (which I am), and that I am weak for wanting to break out of this by leaving this household.

I wrote to an adult in the household I live in for “advice”. What he mentioned was that I essentially have 2 choices to take. (A) To stay where I am and fight the mental struggle and, (B) To change the “battleground”, so as to speak. (B) requires a thought out “game plan”. (A) is tougher in the long run.

I took days to think about this. Yet the prospect of taking (A) pains me, literally. I don’t want to stay where I am. I don’t want to wait another year to change my life, hopefully for the better. I don’t want to subject myself to more influence from the people around me because as far as I can see, I’ve largely been molded to what they expect of me, instead of what I want for myself.

He also raised the issue that I’m “too young and inexperienced”. Which leads me to think that there’s a definite age at which people really do grow up and start to sprout “adult” thoughts and choose “adult” choices. Then again, I thought I was old enough at 12, but now when I look back I shake my head at what I was.

I desire a new life. It’s so close, I can feel its breath on my skin. On the other side he waits for me, eager to take care of me and help me grow. And I want to be by his side so badly that each day seems as long as a year. Of course, months later I may grumble at having to see his face everyday, but for now I’ll savour the “honeymoon” sensations.

I think it’s clear to myself, and anyone else who reads, that my choice has already been made…

Now what is left, is The Call, which could make or break the plans…

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One Response

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  1. aart said, on September 1, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    Hello!

    I’m a big fan of Paulo Coelho! You will love this! He’s the first best-selling
    author to be distributing for free his works on his blog:
    http://www.paulocoelhoblog.com

    Have a nice day!

    Aart


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