It’s that familiar sensation of falling…

Posted in Letters (Old) by Sandra on March 18, 2008

I know he doesn’t read what I write anymore, so I’m relatively safe for hanging out my emotions to dry.

It’s that feeling.

You know, when everything seems to be still, lifeless, and nothing seems to matter, to be honest. I haven’t spoken to him the way we used to for days now.

He’s always working, sleeping, watching a movie, eating, playing a game, or having friends over…

Me?

I fade into the background. I let myself disappear, I make myself vanish because I don’t want to encumber his life, and the things he enjoys doing. He probably doesn’t enjoy talking to me anymore, so I remove myself from his thoughts. So he doesn’t feel like he has to.

And then I sit here, glancing at his MSN status too often, looking at the words “wo ai ni” on his status name. I find myself questioning it.

If you love me, then why do you not try to talk to me? Why do you not try to cheer me up? Why do you just… let me be?

See the thing here is… he can’t help me. Only I can. But I want, I need to hear those words you used to say, that it’d be all right, that I’m safe with you(r voice, actually), that I’m beautiful and you love me. And we’d have a soccer team of kids who love pizza and coke and I’d be exasperated at it.

But I know you cannot say it anymore. In that period, you were madly in love. Now, you’re in love of the companionship kind. No longer the mad, passionate one where we’d spend days plotting my escape. Nor the kind of love where you’d amuse me with how you think our family will be.

You’re in the state where… you’d be happy to talk about your games, about your work, tell me how you’re going to spend your money on gifts, chocolates, tech- stuff…

But that’s not I want to hear. And when I told you once, that I wished you could tell me the things I wanted to hear, even just a word, you told me curtly that the initial phase of infatuation is over. Infatuation, yes, you used that word…

You have other priorities in life, you tell me. Your family, your work, your friends. I’m there only if I’m online, I realize. If I’m not… I’m nothing.

I didn’t know our relationship was this fragile… I thought it was strong. Stronger than me.