“Find Yourself.”

Posted in Thoughts by Sandra on October 5, 2007

‘You have to find yourself,’ he said. ‘You know where you want to go to, but you haven’t found yourself.

‘I haven’t?’ she asks, incredulous. ‘But why do you say that? I can describe myself just as well as any person!’

‘Tell me what you are good at.’

Her mind goes blank, and where there was supposed to be sound, there was static. Then, a horde of words charge past – I can draw! I can write! I am learning to speak several languages! I can steam milk and make beautiful foam! I can –

‘Well, that’s a hard one.’

‘See? You don’t know yourself yet… To know yourself, you should know what you’re good at, what you’re bad at, what’re your limitations, what are your dreams and aspirations…’

~~~

What am I good at? I’m like a Jill of all trades, a “Red Mage” of sorts, over most possible topics relating to the arts and humanities. So back to the question: what am I good at?

I’m good at writing, at putting up impromptu performances, at listening to people. I’m good at being alone – just not for too long. I’m good at dreaming, too.

I’m only mediocre, or bad, at loving people, at loving myself. And having a fashion sense, and accepting some people for the way they are. I’m also not good at making people feel comfortable, or letting go – unless I’m the one who let go, first. And I’m bad at remembering to eat. I think the biggest problem I have right now, is loving myself, others…

What do I want to do? I want to do something to help the world. I want to become a teacher, to give to our future generations. I want to become a psychologist, to help troubled and confused teenagers. Maybe I will go into crime psychology, and find out what makes our society tick, and cause some of the explosions…

And most of all, I want to love, and be loved, throughout good times and bad times.

What can’t I do? I can’t take being lied to, or being treated like I’m not important anymore. I can’t do mathematics. I can’t stay focused on boring topics. I can’t express myself very well vocally. I don’t let cultural or societal rules apply to some of my relationships, which leaves me floundering sometimes because I don’t know what I should do next. I can’t be a leader without followers; in that case, I become a follower, myself.

But I know that I’ll make it there anyway… where-ever that is. With, or without, the person I call the love of my life, who is gone.

Maybe, 20 or even 10 years down the road, I’ll look back and grin at my immaturity. Love of my life, hm… Perhaps for me… not the case for him.

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