A Lesson In Love

Posted in Letters (Old) by Sandra on September 29, 2007

She came away from the relationship torn, regretting, teary, and hoping against all hope, that he might be like the guys in television programmes or movies, and run after her.

Of course, he didn’t. He kept away from her, expressionless, while his family still continued to contact her through Facebook, leaving little messages around, telling her not to worry bout her Spanish, because at least she is trying.

She had asked him the question impulsively, after a week or so of minimal contact with him. He was too busy, too tired, had too many responsibilities, and couldn’t give her the attention she wanted. Demanded, perhaps, she grudgingly admitted. But she never expected that he would agree. Because she took him for granted.

And he, on his part, said yes. Yes, I want a break-up. Yes, I am sure. Yes, take care too. Yes, yes, yes… and he faded into silence again, enveloped by his life on the other side of the earth. Life went on as normal for him: he still did his chores, still talked and had fun with his friends, still studied for his upcoming examinations, still had the bustle of his family roll around him like a safe cocoon.

She, on the other hand, let herself be crushed by his absence. She cried herself to sleep almost every night, and woke up weary and puffy-eyed. She looked at the emails he sent her, the essay entitled “Why I Love Her”, listened to their songs, replaying his voicemails, and gazed at his pictures. The smiling face on the screen, the cheeky expressions upon that face… and she tried hard to drill it into her, that she and him were no longer. That he was gone. That she had to stand on her own.

He missed her, he said. His voice wavered dangerously when she called him one evening, unexpectedly. He spoke slower, breathed deeper, tried not to fall past the line and end up crying. She heard it, and her voice became unsteady, too. Don’t cry, she told him. If you do, I’ll end up crying too.

Does it help if he laughed instead, he asked, dissolving, thankfully, into chuckles. Not tears. She tried to keep herself from laughing and crying at the same time, and managed to laugh more. A smile spoke through her voice, as she questioned his sanity. People around would laugh at someone crying and laughing at the same time.

He grinned, a triumphant word. “Yessss.. It worked!’

She fell silent, for a while, remembering how he tried to cheer her up in the beginning of their relationship whenever she was down. He would try and make her laugh, anything to make her smile and shoo the dark clouds away. Good times, she mused.

‘I still love you, it’s not that I don’t love you anymore…’ he told her. ‘I just.. don’t want a relationship right now.’

That day, she was happy. Nothing could pull her down, even though it was an early class she had. That day she walked with a spring in her step, anticipating his call every hour – because he said he would call. But the hours passed and he didn’t, and soon she was on her way home. A shadow of discontent crept into view, but she simply smiled at it, hoping against hope.

She learnt that love between two people – the kind of boy-girl-relationship – was fragile. She realized that she had been holding expectations too high of him. She acknowledged that she had been depending on him. She understood that he needed his space, even though they were physically so far apart. She still regretted her impulsive question. She still missed him, and wanted him back. She still thought about him every hour. She still wanted to hear his voice or even to simply read his messages.

Of course, she couldn’t. She hoped, against hope, that he would initiate a conversation. She wished, against reality, that he wouldn’t want to sleep so soon after she typed “Hi”. She prayed, against her desires, that he would find someone better and more loveable than her, that he would be happier without her.

She remembered the good times, the tough times, the bad times, the easy times. The fun times. The games, the trust, the commitment they made. And those made her smile, because she realized that he truly loved her even though she didn’t understand at that time. That he truly wanted the best for her, even though he wasn’t with her. That he deserved so much more than just her.

She learnt that she shouldn’t have rushed things because she wanted to feel closer to him; nor demanded so much of him that she was blind to his needs.

She’s still regretting… but maybe the days will help her ride her now de-supported bicycle again.

Some things to remember:

to tease yet another silly analogy, its like learning to ride a bike and having someone take your training wheels off before you think you are ready. youve been riding around on those damn things for as long as you can remember. you feel so comfortable riding your bike like that. you’ve had good times riding around with your friends with those training wheels on. youve been places. as a matter of fact, it was the security of knowing that you have those wheels on your bike that made you so confident in riding and playing and being you. and now someone has taken those wheels off. they were wearing down and holding you back from peddling faster and taking sharper turns on ‘big-people’ roads. they are gone. it doesnt feel like the same bike. you feel like you cant do anything the same anymore. your support system is gone. you want them back but it is time to learn how to carry on without them and to ride the wind with your own balane and grace. you fall and get frustrated because you are angry at the fact that someone has prematurely removed your crutch but your frustrations and feelings of being lost are but a product of your own lack of self-confidence and failure to realize that you are indeed ready for bigger hills and faster rides on your own accord and by your own means. ~

Don’t cry for him, don’t cry for yourself, cry for that hole in yourself that you let eat away at your soul, cry for that part of yourself you won’t fill back up, cry not because you want to, but because you can. And after all that is done, and the tears you give are no more, remember to smile not because you ought to, or because you shouldn’t be sad, but because you can.

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